The Weight of a Lifetime

I have been aware of my weight for as long as I can remember. It has been the constant hum in the background of my life, shaping how I see myself and how I move through the world. As a teenager, I read books about anorexia not to understand the devastation it caused, but to study how the girls did it. That hunger for control became part of my own story.

Over the years, I have lost weight, gained it back, and lost it again. Through every phase, one thing never quieted—the food noise in my head. When I was training for a bodybuilding competition, I went to bed crying from hunger. I spent my days thinking about cheat meals and counting down the hours until I could eat something off-plan. When the competition ended, I got pregnant almost immediately. Not because I felt the clock ticking, but because I wanted an excuse to eat without shame.

I don’t blame the fashion industry for my obsession, and I don’t fully blame my mom, though there are moments when I wonder. I think most women want to look and feel their best, and when you work hard in the gym or in any form of exercise, you want to see the payoff. But abs are made in the kitchen, and that truth can be far more brutal than the hardest workout. You cannot out-train a bad diet or poor choices over time.

This time, I approached it differently. I made my own rules and my own plan. No coach, no strict meal plan, no macro tracker telling me what to do. I’ve learned enough about nutrition and my own body to guide myself. I still have moments where I am hungry, or I trade something I love for something that serves my goals better, but the results are worth it.

What frustrates me is the growing narrative that women should reject the desire to be small because it somehow means we are rejecting our power. I am the smallest I have ever been, and I am also the most powerful I have ever felt. My confidence fills more space than ever before , and it has nothing to do with the square inches of my body.

This is my edit.
It’s not about shrinking to please the world.
It’s about building a body and a life I am proud to live in.
It’s about strength that shows on the outside and runs even deeper inside.